i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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