I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
