paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I think they gave out some kind of ugly girl scholarship I don't know about...
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
