He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
