Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
