I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Randomize
