Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
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I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
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I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
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