Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
i wish my penis had a tongue
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
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No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
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I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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