The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
Randomize
