i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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