I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
