If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
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