I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
