so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
