Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Randomize
