dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
Randomize
