I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
