but the lizard people decide everything anyway
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
