my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
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