If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
