I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
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