I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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