It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
