Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
