Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
