you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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