Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
