broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
