dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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