I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
