i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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