Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Does it really count as two different guys if they're brothers? I like to think of it as one and a half.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
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