someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
