I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
