I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
