we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
