I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
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