"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
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