Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
