Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Randomize
