We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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