I have no idea who these bands are he's listening to. If his current playlist was a pandora station, however, it would be titled "music for closet cock gobblers"
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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