I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
