Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
