and she was petting her beer can
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
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