We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize