saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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