Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
