I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
