im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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