I was born with a shot glass in my hand
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
