it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
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