i don't like sucking hair
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
