I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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