She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
