Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
