ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
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