I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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