i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
