If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
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