if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
