there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
